My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
the gays at disneyland are vicious
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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