It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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