I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize