dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
