Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
