The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
