I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
