Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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