if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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