one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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