did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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