his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
she told me i tasted like america
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Randomize
