Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
