i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
