my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
