all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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