I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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