phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
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