Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
