All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
