halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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