im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
