so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
