I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Only a mothe r could love this liver
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
