I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
false alarm, still single
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize