Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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