So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
