drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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