hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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