nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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