my mouth tastes like poor choices
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
