life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
You were trust falling into bushes
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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