I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
