i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
