please come you make the beer taste better
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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