just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
