the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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