First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
