I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
