i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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