He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
