based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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