i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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