Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
