I love having hate sex.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
