I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
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