i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
