I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize