The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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