I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
