Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
