i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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