I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
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