There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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