I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I'm getting married
To pizza
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Randomize