Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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