I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
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