So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
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