I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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